Sunday, October 14, 2007

Married and a boyfriend: A story seen on Oprah

A Muslim couple on Petaling Walking Street, Chinatown, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

OK, for some this might be very disturbing. But it is a story that really got me to thinking a lot about how the world and individuals define love and relationships. I saw an episode on Oprah in which she was talking about sex among other things. She had a fairly young (and normal-looking) couple from California near the end to talk about a unique style of relationship that they have.

The story goes that they've been married for about 10 years and have children. One day on a long drive they started talking about redifining their relationship and the possibility of adding more people into the marriage. As it is, this marriage was the first partner the woman had and she was feeling like she wanted to have additional "experiences".

The result was that she now has a boyfriend whom she regularly sees, in addition to maintaining her relationship with her husband and children. The boyfriend is a friend of the both she and her husband and comes over to the house. When they want to "play around", they use the guest bedroom. Currently, the husband does not have an additional girlfriend.

When describing why she chose to have a boyfriend in addition to a husband, she makes the claim that she wanted to experience additional sexual partners in a "safe" environment. Not only that, but she felt that she has a love for this boyfriend that is different than for her husband but not more or less. It was obvious that all of their friends seemed to get along and accept the relationship.

This is a mind blower. I didn't quite know what to think when I saw it, and still don't. I have been wanting to write this blog about it for a long time. There doesn't seem to be any lack of love in her marriage. And obviously she is still involved in her family and with her children. It is just wild to think that spouses would discuss openly and actively pursue additional boyfriends and girlfriends.

Part of me thinks that if your marriage is secure, you have talked it over and the new partner is a friend, then go for it. Why not try to spice up your love life if you feel that you have more than enough love to share with others? I can understand wanting to have two guys who are very different but each have different traits that are desirable and ways of fulfilling a person in which one alone cannot.

The other part of me (that Christian conservative background) wants to scream and stomp and say STOP. What about the children? How do you explain to your kids that mommy and daddy have special friends that sleep over in another bedroom with either mommy or daddy? What about the emotional ties that will eventually have to be severed? It's just complicated.

So, if anyone reads this blog, I'd love to have an open conversation about this topic. Share your thoughts on this style of relationship. Do you agree with it? Could you see yourself having this same type of arrangement?


  1. I have been happily married to my husband for 14 years and have been dating my boyfriend for not very long. I am very conservative and am very involved in my church. I love my husband and my family. But @ the sametime love the excitment my latin lover brings into my life. I am trying to find a happy medium but am having trouble. If it exhists I would love to find it. I have sex with my boyfriend all b/c its new
    Not sure what will happen only time will tell.

  2. WOW...As I read this it sounds so dang bazaar...but sadly enough, I am also happily married to my husband of 17 years and have a man that i've been seeing for about a year. It nearly wrecked my marriage when it all came out as i expected it too. I have tried to end the extra marital affair, but can't. I love him, but in a different way than I love my husband. I don't have any intentions of leaving my husband. I can't see myself bringing my "boyfriend" into my home and he and my husband getting along. I think that would be weird. Biblicly I know i'm wrong...just don't know what to do!

  3. When I googled-Married with a boyfriend-I didn't expect this to come up. I am happily married and I love my husband-we have been married for 8 years now. Recently when I went on Facebook I had the oppurtunity to reconnect with a first love that because of uncontrollable circumstances we were seperated. It has been over 9 years since I had seen or talked to him. He is still single and through talking and emailing-we have discovered the passion and strong chemistry that has always been there. We have not had an affair. But I can tell that my heart is torn between the two. It is good that I found a blog like this-because there is no one that I can really talk about it with. My boyfriend tells me all the time-that he loves me and that he wants to be with me-but I can't leave my husband, I love him to. And in response to the story-no my husband and boy friend would never want to "Share" me. lol.
    So I am not sure if my story helps or where it will end-I just know that it feels good not to be alone and think that you are the only woman on the planet that has these feelings or situations.

  4. I am at the early stages of which might very well become a similar (if not exact) situation as read on here. Except that I am the boyfriend of a woman from my past. I am going through a divorce(nothing to do with adultery whatsoever) and recently was corresponding via facebook with many friends of long ago about my current situation in life. Well, the "friends in common" link got me to eventually correspond with my old girlfriend of long ago "High School days". To make a long story short and after many weeks of discovering what her and her husband's likes and fantasies were... I have finally met with her and her husband and it looks like we will eventually end up like what you read here. Nothing has happened as of yet and I have not "stepped over the line" because I am waiting to be single again with the divorce still in process. It looks like this situation will either end up being either a threesome or in fact much like what you read here because her husband has expressed to her that he is willing to grant her some privacy with me and allow our intamacy together. This is strange but kinky... exciting and scary. Am I handling nitroglycerin or am I staring at a gift horse in the mouth?? I do not wish this situation on anyone, but I cannot go through another relationship only to be hurt again and she seems to really want me more than when she and I were younger. He seems to be turned on by it all... but how long wll that last?? Will it eventually get to him?? I feel guilty because I was not taught(by my parents) to behave like this or consider this situation "normal". I was also raised in a conservative Christian atmosphere and I do believe in God. I sometimes think it is all insane. I still have time to back out and run... what should I do??
    Signed; Real Guy in Indiana