Married and a boyfriend: A story seen on Oprah

A Muslim couple on Petaling Walking Street, Chinatown, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

OK, for some this might be very disturbing. But it is a story that really got me to thinking a lot about how the world and individuals define love and relationships. I saw an episode on Oprah in which she was talking about sex among other things. She had a fairly young (and normal-looking) couple from California near the end to talk about a unique style of relationship that they have.

The story goes that they've been married for about 10 years and have children. One day on a long drive they started talking about redifining their relationship and the possibility of adding more people into the marriage. As it is, this marriage was the first partner the woman had and she was feeling like she wanted to have additional "experiences".

The result was that she now has a boyfriend whom she regularly sees, in addition to maintaining her relationship with her husband and children. The boyfriend is a friend of the both she and her husband and comes over to the house. When they want to "play around", they use the guest bedroom. Currently, the husband does not have an additional girlfriend.

When describing why she chose to have a boyfriend in addition to a husband, she makes the claim that she wanted to experience additional sexual partners in a "safe" environment. Not only that, but she felt that she has a love for this boyfriend that is different than for her husband but not more or less. It was obvious that all of their friends seemed to get along and accept the relationship.

This is a mind blower. I didn't quite know what to think when I saw it, and still don't. I have been wanting to write this blog about it for a long time. There doesn't seem to be any lack of love in her marriage. And obviously she is still involved in her family and with her children. It is just wild to think that spouses would discuss openly and actively pursue additional boyfriends and girlfriends.

Part of me thinks that if your marriage is secure, you have talked it over and the new partner is a friend, then go for it. Why not try to spice up your love life if you feel that you have more than enough love to share with others? I can understand wanting to have two guys who are very different but each have different traits that are desirable and ways of fulfilling a person in which one alone cannot.

The other part of me (that Christian conservative background) wants to scream and stomp and say STOP. What about the children? How do you explain to your kids that mommy and daddy have special friends that sleep over in another bedroom with either mommy or daddy? What about the emotional ties that will eventually have to be severed? It's just complicated.

So, if anyone reads this blog, I'd love to have an open conversation about this topic. Share your thoughts on this style of relationship. Do you agree with it? Could you see yourself having this same type of arrangement?